“Be kind and compassionate to one another." ~ Ephesians
4:32
Cancer delivers two types of pain. They’re both bad, but one’s worse than the other.
The first pain comes from the organ that’s been most affected. It’s like a knife stabbing every part of your
body. For Donna’s Mom Anne, it was her
abdomen. Pain shot through Anne’s
stomach, causing frequent nausea, bloating and occasional vomiting.
Cancer’s other pain is the mental; like running out of time
and not knowing what to do. Anne’s fear was
paralyzing, exhausting and dark.
When she got sick, Donna became what psychologists term the
person who “held space” for her. Holding
space means walking side-by-side with them on their journey without judgment or
expectations. It’s the deepest form of
listening.
Donna accompanied Anne throughout her journey, seeing the
world through her Mom’s eyes; allowing space for panic, confusion, and expression
without trying to “fix” anything. Donna
didn’t try and cheer Anne up about her illness or deny what was happening in
her body. She held space by allowing the
situation to unfold without fueling the emotions that were part of it.
While Donna was holding space for her Mom, others were
holding space for her.
Her children and closest friends were holding space for her
as she walked the difficult path with her Mom.
When she’d come home at night they’d encourage her to rest and assured
her with their calls, cards and prayers.
The hospice nurse was holding space for Donna and her Mom,
guiding them on what to expect next. Their
home nurse Amy held space for the family, quietly resigned to the background,
as people came and went to say their last good-byes.
The day she began transitioning, she fell into her
daughter’s arms and softly said “I’m ready to go.” Donna was heart-broken inside, but calmly
replied by saying “Ok, mom. I’m here.”
When Anne took her final breaths, Donna sobbed hysterically
as she gazed out the hospital window. Her
life was falling apart. The thoughts driving
her meltdown were unintelligible due to the crashing waves of emotions.
But somehow, she found herself able to clear her head and
stare at her disheveled reflection in the window. Bob stood silently behind her. Her husband of 37 years was holding space for
her.
Holding space means acting as God created us to act. It may be as practical as going grocery
shopping for someone who is sick or shut-in.
It can also mean keeping that person alive in your heart throughout the
day and sending prayers on their behalf.
It develops in us the capacity to care for someone without
determining what’s best for them, to be present without judging, to hold but
not control. That’s the way God loves
us; and so holding space becomes the chance to try to love like God.
“Open the
eyes of my heart Lord, that Your light will flood our hearts and that we will
understand the hope that was given to us and the glorious blessings You’ve
bestowed upon us.” ~ Ephesians 1:18
