First Cut is the Deepest

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" ~ Philippians 4:13

Late October was Jayne’s anniversary and the best month for a walk in the park.  The wind was not yet icy; the once turquoise sky had now turned dusty grey. 

All that’s left is silence, broken intermittently by the rustling of dry, aged leaves.  The perfect noise!  Not deathly silent; just enough for self-reflection; what she did, what she failed to do and what she was about to become.  Sobering thoughts, painful memories - a time so close yet so distant.

Thirty days ago she curled her bare toes against the bathmat, trying to feel sorry for her arms, to feel regret, or pain, or sadness.  But numbness paralyzed her.  She stared at the scars lining her wrists, observing them as if from a great distance.  Other days Jayne would count them and their meanings; one for every time she'd hated herself.

 

Jayne cut herself to stop the emotional pain - agony that most people have never felt.  She didn’t want attention – she needed someone to understand.

It had been scary the first time but after that it became easier.  As the blade shimmered between her clumsy fingers, her head would tilt back, her mouth open in silent torture but also perverse joy.  She knew that she shouldn’t be feeling this, doing this, enjoying this as she did.  

Jayne focused on the injury as the reason for her pain and felt a sense of control.  Endorphins screamed through her body creating a sense of euphoria, of well-being.

She never wanted to die or cause serious injury.  Cutting made her brave.  She’d been surprised by the rush, the emotional release that greeted her as blood filled her palm.  Adrenaline pushed Jayne to cut deeper and more often.

Then she’d kneel on the cold tile floor exhausted against the bathroom cabinet.  How pale and fragile her skin had looked - still looks.

One week ago the urge was so strong that Jayne clenched her fists to keep from reaching for the blade.  It was so tempting; so painfully seductive.  She forced her fingers to remain so tightly closed that the tips of her fingers burned.

“Lord, hold my hand,” she prayed “Walk me through the dark places I need to go through.  Stay with me as long as it takes, until my hands cramp with fatigue and the urge disappears.” 

Because she must conquer this addiction.  Because she can do all things through Christ.  Because of the six words she kept repeating in her mind, kept vowing, swearing to herself: “I will never draw blood again!” 

Today was Jayne’s anniversary – 7 days since she stopped hurting herself . . . and counting.

The Lord is my armor.  Today I’m putting on my shoes of peace, my belt of truth, my armor of virtue, my helmet of salvation, my shield of faith and my sword of the spirit.  I will speak the word of God when I’m under attack.  Amen

None So Blind

"Open the eyes of my heart, Lord." ~ Psalm 119:18

The bus passengers watched sympathetically as the attractive young woman with the white cane made her way carefully up the steps.  She paid the driver, and using her hands to feel the location of the seats, walked down the aisle and found an empty seat – right next to Troy.

Almost immediately Troy was struck by the eerie feeling that he may have just found Mrs. Right.  Simple conversation followed, then a promising friendship, and later true romance. 

He’d learn that Amy had been blind from birth.  Her world was dark – not from lack of sight but from anger, frustration and self-pity.  She hated not being able to enjoy the beauty that sighted people often took for granted.  She hated herself.  She hated everyone . . . except her new boyfriend. 

Troy, an elementary school teacher, loved Amy with all his heart – completely!  He was determined to help her gain the strength and confidence she needed to overcome such ‘minor inconveniences.’  So committed to his true love, he eventually asked for her hand in marriage – that two would become one. 

 

Oddly, she postponed an immediate answer; promising him instead that if by some miracle her sight returned, that she would marry him.

That miracle came one crisp autumn day.  Someone donated a perfect set of cognac brown eyes to her.  The surgery was successful – she could see everything, including her grateful boyfriend.

Eagerly Troy asked, “Now that you can enjoy the glory of a sunrise and the serenity of a sunset, will you marry me?” 

Amy stood stunned!  Troy too, was blind.  Embittered, she refused his marriage proposal.

He walked away in tears; heartbroken.  A few days passed before Amy received a short note from Troy saying: “Please take care of my baby browns (eyes).  Just because I’m unable to see your beauty . .  doesn’t mean it isn’t there.”

There are two messages to this story.  The first is that there are “none so blind . . . as those who WILL NOT see.”  Angry and confused about her blindness, Amy believed that only sighted people could enjoy happiness.  She refused to “see” the love that Troy had for her. 

Secondly, Troy loved Amy unconditionally.  That’s when we care about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get in return.  He gave his eyesight for her.

It’s like that with God too.  It’s hard for us to believe, but He loves you that way – every second of every day!  

He loves you, not because you’ve done good, not because you begged Him to love you.  He loves you because He created you and you are beautiful to Him.  You can’t screw up enough to change that.  As His child, He loves you completely.

Loving God, teach me to love as You love - unconditionally, honest, and kind, asking nothing in return.  Help me harness the power to heal all wounds, bind people together, and create relationships well beyond my present capacity.  Amen

Shy's the Limit

“God doesn’t want you to be afraid of people, but to be wise and strong, and to love their  company." ~ 2 Timothy 1:7  

Jolene didn’t have many friends.  She’d never been preoccupied with being popular, but she did long for someone to share secrets and laughs with, someone who would listen carefully even when she had nothing to say out loud.

She wore her hair long to hide her face and avoided eye contact with others, fearing someone might talk to her.  Always a bit frightened by her surroundings, Jolene kept mostly to herself.

Kids didn’t talk to her either.  Some even made fun of her in whispers behind her back.  Hers were largely superficial relationships; she couldn’t remember ever having a real friend in high school.

Jolene began to panic as college approached.  She’d be moving to an unfamiliar city and rooming with someone she didn't know. She had no idea how she was going to make friends in a harsh, new environment.  But something happened the first week of classes that changed her life, forever!

In her English Comp class, the students were asked to share a little about themselves and describe their goal for the class.  Most students talked about getting good grades and a better future.  All the answers were equally boring, thought Jolene.  When it was her turn, she took a deep breath, raised her eyes before opening her mouth to speak.  But nothing came out.  Her throat felt like drier than normal; her heartbeat quickened.

“If there’s a God in heaven,” she pleaded to herself, “please give me strength.  Help me form words that speak from my soul!”  Then she spoke.

“My goal,” she began, “is to make one good friend this year!”

The room went deadly silent.   One student came forward and extended her hand.  “Hi, my name’s Enya,” she said.  “I’d love to earn your friendship.”  Silence became more eloquent than words as all eyes focused on Jolene and the hand extended directly in front of her.

Jolene smiled warmly and stretched her hand toward Enya’s, igniting a friendship that lasted beyond college and all through her life.  It was a memorable day, one she treasured deeply.  For it was on that day she learned two important lessons: 1) the power of prayer and 2) the importance of asking for what she wanted, being honest and taking action.

It’s clear that we all need companionship.  Status doesn’t matter: young, old, single, married, male, female, retired, working – friendship nurtures the human spirit.  For Christians, asking God for a friend is a good first step in the process of finding one.  God’s love for us makes us bold and provides the faith to displace our bashfulness.

Dear God, even though my life is filled with clutter and activity, my heart aches for the intimacy of a true friend, one who knows the real me and loves me anyway. Calm my fears and help me to be more open and honest about my needs and pain.  Amen

The Hand of Grace

"Children are a blessing: a gift from God."  ~ Psalm 127:3

Grace Ross gave her first graders a fun assignment: draw something for which they were thankful.  Most of the class was disadvantaged, but they still had things that they’re grateful for . . . except maybe David.

David’s sketch was unique.  He was a different kind of boy: a frail child, mentally weak, and piteously poor.  She didn’t have to guess at the pain he felt behind those sad green eyes.  She’d dropped by his home one day after school to deliver some homework after he’d missed several days.

There was really no way to describe the horror!  Animal urine and feces ground into the carpet: everything dank and rotting.  Tattered curtains, yellow with cigarette smoke, dangled from bent metal rods.  Cardboard and old comforters were stuffed into broken, grimy windows.  Trash blanketed a stained couch.  The sink was full of filthy dishes.

Worst were the legions of scurrying cockroaches.  She remembered it felt like walking on eggshells: she couldn't take a step without crunching them.  They were in the lights, in the furniture, even inside the freezer!  Such a sweet child – what an abysmal environment.

Yes, his picture was different.  When asked to draw a picture of something for which he was thankful, he drew an empty hand - nothing else.

His abstract image captured the imagination of his classmates. Whose hand could it be?  One child guessed it was the hand of a farmer, because farmers raise food.  Another suggested a police officer, because the police protect and care for people.  Still others guessed it was the hand of God, for God loves us.  

When the children had gone on to other assignments, Grace paused at David's desk, bent down, and asked him whose hand it was.  The endearing little boy looked away and murmured, "It's yours, Ms. Ross."

She immediately recalled the times she’d taken his hand and walked with him.  How often had she said, "Let me show you how to hold your pencil," or, "Let's do this together."  While other children played at recess, David was likely to stand close by her side.

Yes, David was most thankful for her guiding hand.  Choking back a tear, Grace pondered her career choice.

She could only imagine the suffering David must endure as a child and what he sees, hears, and feels.  But like all children, he’s loving, hopeful, and filled with joy.  Every one of her students is a unique art form.  Gifted is the teacher who inspires the artistic qualities God intended.  Some are striking in their color, or form, or composition.   Others take a more skilled eye.  All require an open mind and committed heart.

Dear Jesus, we pray for the children whose nightmares come in the daytime, who aren't spoiled by anybody, who go to bed hungry and cry themselves to sleep.  Bless the little ones that want to be carried and for those who must.  Amen

Making Change

“If you give up your life for Me, you will find true life. ~ Matthew 16:25

This morning he preached about mission, encouraging them to give cheerfully for the Lord's work.  He was wonderfully dramatic.  Inside the crowded church, the stench of sour breaths, the cruel heat, even the closeness went unnoticed in the fervor of the old minister’s sermon.  His voice took on wild emotional cadences which resonated deep inside their souls.  To these people it was like the return of John the Baptist; pure poetry in motion.

As the collection plates weaved their normal path through the pews, a twinge of doubt rose from his heart.  Apparently his words had failed to inspire them; only loose change clanked into the plates.

On the last bench, a battle waged within the heart of a poorly dressed girl.  Maddie had earlier that week received her first pair of glasses from a kind teacher at her school.  What a great blessing it was to be able to hear the Gospel . . . and see the preacher for once.

As the offering plate approached, Maddie feverishly searched her pockets.  She couldn’t find a cent to give to Jesus so the plate passed her by.  Her sad eyes remained fixed on the plate as it continued all the way to the rear of the sanctuary.

She thought about the gift of sight she had received earlier that week.  And she thought of the missionaries from foreign lands that needed so much to carry on their blessed work.  Maddie made a decision!  She rose from her seat, walked to the usher and grabbed his sleeve. “May I have the plate please?” she asked politely.

Her heart pounding, she removed her glasses, kissed them and placed them gently in the collection plate.  “This is all I have Jesus,” she said humbly.

The usher carried the plate slowly down the aisle and laid it on the altar without a word.  Deeply moved by her generosity, the preacher laid his hand upon the glasses and solemnly repeated the words of Jesus: "She hath done what she could." ~ Mark 14:8

What a stir the incident created!  Suddenly, perspiration trickled off the banker's brow.  He wiped his face with his handkerchief and opened his wallet.  The rich lady fumbled for her purse.  A local merchant whispered something in the usher’s ear.  The collection basket passed once again from bench to bench.  This time money poured in!

After the congregation had left the church, the preacher gave Mattie back her new glasses.  She had redeemed them for the sum of nearly $500 dollars.  Maddie smiled sweetly.  For she knew that the greatest gift God gave was Himself, and the greatest gift she could give God was herself.   

Forgiving God, we give for many reasons – guilt, joy, gratitude, obedience, hope, and control.  We return these gifts to You.  Strengthen our hearts in holiness as we faithfully give, so that our mission may be directed by You.  Amen.